my shit smells like andre
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
God, I missed his penis.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
