My friends, they love my intelligence
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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