I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
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I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
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Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"