She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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