No stitches, just platelets and will power
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
