sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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