gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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