don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
