i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
All the doctor said was why
Randomize
