Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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