remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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