Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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