Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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