Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Randomize
