ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
