i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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