god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Randomize
