Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Moan for me like Helen Keller
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
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