He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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