Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
