god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
