You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
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