She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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