I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
