First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
