You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I see more hoeing in ur future
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