I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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