Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
