I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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