dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
