Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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