So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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