I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
