Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
