the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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