I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
