Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize