We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Randomize
