My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Randomize
