my mouth tastes like poor choices
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
