Yo dont text me then not text me
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Just invented taco cereal.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
