ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Randomize
