Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
