She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
