Apparently you make a good broom.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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