Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
