i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Did we literally take a cab across the street
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I am available for nakedness
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
