I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
