I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
