I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Randomize
