Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Randomize
