I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I'm too high and old for this...
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
