I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
im holly from the hills drunk
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
