I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
