I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
