I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
