If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
