How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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