how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
