I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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