just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Randomize
