He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Randomize
